Walking on the Santa Monica pier, the ferris wheel turned, the wooden pier was paved by the moon lit sky, my clients asked to me, “Maggie, why are you in fitness? You’re not like the rest of the trainers out there. You have a talent.” I think she’s finished, and then she quietly adde, “…and a brain.”
“ Um…thank you?” I wasn’t sure how to respond to this. So, I waited a moment to absorb her “compliment.”
Slightly put off, I shyly acknowledged her with a small yet demure smile and whispered “thank you.” And as I went to elaborate on my thanks, opening my mouth to speak, my client cut my off! With a piercing look in her eyes, she stated, “why don’t you do something else? I really don’t understand why you’re wasting your talent and your time with this industry! You’re better than that” Shaking her head in disappointment and as if a lost cause, she walked away before I could respond.
“Wait!!” I thought, “Come back!” Why are you leaving? What did I do wrong? Was it me? Did I say and do something to aggravate her? I didn’t understand.
As I stood at the end of the pier over looking the vast deep moonlit sea, I felt empty and alone. The melody from the aria “Trees on the mountain entered my mind and played over and over again like a broken record, haunting me. “Come back,” I echoed inside.
I felt like I had just made a mistake and made the “wrong” choice with my life. Yet, I was helping people. I was helping my clients; I loved my clients. I loved helping my clients. I loved helping that client; she was my friend. She loved our sessions and she asked for my help on the daily. Disappointment followed by my realization that I, Maggie Lane, wasn’t living up to my potential had finally sunk in. I felt like I had “failed” them and ultimately failed myself! I thanked my client for a fun evening, and then she and I parted our ways for the day.
Alone, I began to cry. What was I doing with myself and with my life?
As tears fell down my face, it was clear to me that I had made the wrong decision; I had let my client, my friend, down by choosing to live a healthy and fit life. Not understanding the irony in this statement AT ALL, the tears continued to fall. All I could see and hear was failure.
Later that night, perhaps to sabotage myself and my “fitness” potential, I began to emotionally eat.
My eyes only saw: ICE CREAM and ICING galore!! CUPCAKES and MORE! At that moment, I was the eternal child in a candy shop, feeding my sad empty soul.
Although, I wasn’t hungry, I continued to stuff my self with these sweet emotional comforts. My stomach had its fill; I felt like Agustus Gloop, and kept on eating and drinking from Charlie the Chocolate Factory’s treasury sweets. Stuffed, my heart and soul were craving more.
Finally I gathered myself together; gaining composure, I put the self-sabotaging sweets away.
Maybe I wasn’t supposed to be in the health and fitness industry? Maybe I wasn’t supposed to be a fitness personality. As I cried, I felt as if I wasn’t good enough. Even though, I loved to help others and live a healthy and fit life, I still felt like I was wasting my potential, my talents and ultimately my life! Even though I had accomplished so much and continued to accomplish more, I still felt as though I wasn’t good enough. I truly thought that I wasn’t good enough to pursue my dreams, to make my thoughts, visions and dreams a reality.
Yet, what were my dreams? Were my dreams coming true? Always taught to keep the peace, and make others happy, I struggled with what made me happy I honestly didn’t know. It was quite ironic that I helped others define their goals and helped their dreams to become a reality, but I truly didn’t know what it was that made me happy. As I began to ponder this reality, I fell deeper into a rabbit hole of despair. I let others’ opinions of myself and of my life lead my actions. I grew up with a very regimented schedule where there wasn’t time to decide for myself and wasn’t time to choose, I just did what was put in front of me, got an “A,” as close to a 10 in gymnastics as I could and the leading lady role in opera. No time to think and decide for myself. “Just do,” they said; and so I did. Now, however, alone with my sweets, I had the time to think and evaluate my thoughts, my emotions, my actions, and my life! I didn’t know how to process my client’s words. I was clearly confused and at a loss. Why would she say something like that? It was if my client was yelling at me for my talents. Was I supposed to be ashamed? Why did I feel this way? Again, the tears started to fall.
Stop. Breathe. And try to think happy thoughts.
These thoughts sparked a memory of my college career counselor, Wendy B. I worked for the college career center, editing resumes and helping students with formatting, using fancy “ schmancy” words to get them jobs in hopes to jumpstart their professional careers post Pepperdine. Yes, I like words; and yes, I like to write. Why not? It passed the time, kept me busy and productive while helping others accomplish their goals. It was fun and fulfilling, AND it felt good to help others write and be expressive! At that time, I thought that one that guides always has his our her own guide to help provide a clear and polished path, aiding them along their prospective journey; thus, what sparked my conversation with Wendy, my college career counselor and guide. Seated across from each other, asking for guidance and clarity about my uncharted career path, out of the blue, abruptly, she jerked her head in my direction and with piercing stare, Wendy yelled “Maggie!” Just look pretty and stick to singing!” As forcefully as she turned her head and yelled, she stood up, jutted to her office and slammed the door. Today, I have no idea what this conversation was about, however I do remember the feeling she left me with was everything but uplifting. I felt awful. What did I do to spark this reaction? I felt as if I didn’t offer anything valuable to the world! Streams of tears gushed down my rose colored cheeks, I fought off the jade and puddles filled my once bright and wide turquoise colored eyes.
Think happy thoughts. THINK. I can do it! Think, positively.
Nope. I wasn’t there…yet.
Aren’t college career counselors supposed to guide you, help encourage you and kindly mentor you? A couple years later, she apologized for saying those things to me; however, years later I still remember her words and the feelings that accompanied them.
It baffled me that people say what they say to others they know, don’t know and even to those they’ve never meet. Why?
Not understanding their intensions behind these statements, a veil of confusion clouded me. Should I feel honored that Wendy said to the young budding pretty girl that she should sing and squash all other possibilities? Should I feel honored that my client referred to the young woman as a smart and talented being? Or should I be made to feel ashamed of my choices? Should I be made to feel ashamed for following my passion? Do they want me to feel embarrassed, guilty, angered or offended? AM I supposed to feel these emotions? Am I supposed to feel ashamed for their projections of their own self worth?
No! However, at this time “yes” was my response; it was my reality.
As a perfectionist, I felt like I let them down and was ashamed of my choice. Unbeknownst to me at the time, the Wendy’s of the world were out there and in every industry.
It was in this particular situation, post college and out in real world industries, that I had run into them again, yet this time it was in life. Perhaps it was my wide-eyed bushy tailed ideals and dreams that lead me to believe that one is supposed to feel limitless and be told encouraging phrases such as: “the sky is the limit;” and “the world is your oyster!” Isn’t that what youth is taught to feel and believe? Are we supposed to tell our children to believe?
I used to love, I mean really love, those phrases and the imagery that accompanied! Each time one thinks of those inspirational phases, it acts as an opportunity to imagine it, visualize it, feel it, create it and live it! Adding to the phrase, I would say, “the world is your oyster and you decide how many pearls are in it!” Not only is it an exciting metaphor, it is also a beautiful one! Isn’t it? Perhaps that is why I am drawn to the moon— that illustrious pearl of the sky— to stare at it’s luminescent beauty and dream of the limitless potential we humans are capable of achieving!
That lunar pearl, the beautiful moon, is a constant reminder of our endless opportunities and life-filled possibilities. And it is that pearl that recharges my creativity and inspires me, again and again! That alone brings me back to our dear darling Wendy. This Wendy saw only limitations in her world and projected them onto me. What a waste, Wendy darling. What a waste of your potential and possibilities. Perhaps, one day this particular Wendy will be whisked away by her Peter to see the moon through eyes of wonder and never dull and dark will her experience on land again will be. I have hope for Wendy, and I pray that her days will be filled living in a land of opportunity; I believe that she will find her Neverland with many pearls of positive opportunities.
Back to my story, darling Wendy. Out of the clouds with Pan, and back to this earthly state of reality. We not in Neverland.
Reflecting upon this particular experience with the Wendys of the world in every industry, I asked myself, why can’t I do what I want to do? Why are we told to limit ourselves and our potential? I wholeheartedly believe in those endless possibilities and the ability to be creative with our opportunities.
What was wrong with me asking Wendy for guidance? And when I finally did make a choice to focus myself post academia, why was it seen as “wrong” to wade in this health and fitness pool of talented beings? Why did I get scolded for choosing to bask in the sun alongside these beautiful bronzed bodies? I wasn’t doing drugs. I wasn’t drinking alcohol. I wasn’t hurting myself or anyone else by that matter. What was and IS “wrong” with devoting yourself, myself and OUR lives to a healthy and fit life whatever the industry?
I was trying and am always trying to stay and live on a healthy and fit path of least resistance. I didn’t realize that their judgments, conclusions, and thoughts were just that, theirs, and not mine. It was their “reality.” Then I couldn’t see the clarity. I was clouded then by their opinions and perspective of “me” and what I should do and be.
What I didn’t realize is that there is absolutely nothing with living and breathing thoughts of health and wellness in and out of every industry. We ARE allowed to be multi-dimensional beings. We ARE allowed to be multi-talented beings with a healthy mind, healthy body and healthy spirit— free beings! And we are free to choose whatever we choose to be! If it is good and creates good, then there is nothing “wrong” or wasted! Stop trying to please and just do; with everything, do it for you! Learn what makes you happy and healthy. And be true to you. Please do it and do it for you!
Wow. That felt… freeing!
THAT is my pep talk to not just you but also to ME. I remind myself of this daily as it makes me feel happy and healthy; most importantly, it makes me feel free!
Looking back on this situation, I had failed to see that we BOTH were empty, my Wendy’s of the world and ME. I was absorbing their own emotions, thoughts and opinions, and I let it effect me; it exposed my true feelings, thoughts and emotions about me! I saw the reality– a lack of self-awareness and lack of love for me. Seeking approval and acceptance outwardly, I relied on others to build up my self-esteem, instead of looking internally.
I am truly thankful for these experiences and all that life brings because each helps me see that it is OK to love the self, it is OK to believe in little, mid-western, simple, sweet Maggie—it’s OK to be me!
“Every guide has a guide” that phrase once applied to me; however, now I see things quite differently. I now see that I am a guide, my guide. I, Maggie, yes, little me! My answers are within and what I seek, like The Alchemist, is already in front of me. I have found my “personal treasure,” and it is all within me.
As a younger woman, I didn’t realize that opinions were just that— opinions—with their words holding only the weight and gravity that I attached to them. Life is meant to be full of love, emanating from within, and radiating outwards.
We MUST remember to love and lift others and be our own beacons of positive light, never dimming for those around us who forget to lead with love.
We MUST remember to have heart, and be kind to those who treat us ill, for they themselves cannot see their own light and have lost their way on the path to self discovery.
So, I say start the world IS your giant oyster; and you can create how ever many pearls! And let’s start living, loving and believing!
Be your own sunshine by day and moonlight by night.
Let love light your path and radiate in, around and from every inch of your being!
Be the Love. Be the Light. Day and Night.
And then, let’s go on an adventure to find some pearls!
MY MAGGIE LANE 